The Falling Into Books Hop Giveaway is now over! I hope all of the other blogs who hosted found it to be successful for them! I was super happy and decided to giveaway a critique AND the book! Yeah - I know. I am awesome (gives herself a pat on the back).
On to the winners!
Winner of a critique from me
Steph from The Non Sequitur Ramblings!!!
Another great thing going on is at Zook Book Nook for us Campaigners. The general idea is you post the opening hook, of your book, chapter, sequence, poem, anything and other campaigners are going to give you feedback. Here is mine for The Owens Legacy: Revelations.
Another great thing going on is at Zook Book Nook for us Campaigners. The general idea is you post the opening hook, of your book, chapter, sequence, poem, anything and other campaigners are going to give you feedback. Here is mine for The Owens Legacy: Revelations.
Where have they dropped us this time?
Black, rusted iron gates stood in front of my sister and me. Gargoyle statues stared down at us; I think they were angels at one point, but years of sitting perched on those brick columns turned their cherub faces into faceless demons. They warned us not to enter the place where they had dropped us off. I guess “dropped” is a loose term considering our so-devoted aunt and uncle, had their chauffeur drive us to the airport - again with no goodbyes.
Certainly doesn’t look like the website, does it? I heard Ryder say.
I shook my head in agreement. We both stared at the sign “Evermore - School for the Gifted and Talented.” Actually, it should have read “a great place to drop the unwanted.”
I don't mind critical!
Great picture you painted! I'm left wanting to know their story: why they were dropped off, where this place is, and in what ways they're gifted!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was great and I wanted to read on, but I have a couple of comments. Why did you say the chauffeur drove you to the airport if he actually drove you to this Evermore school? Also you say "they warned us not to enter this place when they had dropped us off" - who were "they"? Loved the last line.
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies!
ReplyDeleteClaire good call on the chauffeur. The first "They" is referring to the cherubs. The other they are their aunt and uncle. You are right. It needs to be clarified. Thanks!
I love this hook, because it is concise in the wording, offers some description of the scenery but not too much, and uses dialogue and action! Wow! You've done a great job putting it all together in a well-written way. I think the only thing I found a bit hard to put together was the connection between getting driven to the airport versus getting dropped off at the school. Who dropped them off at the school? Maybe if the point is to connect the reader to the idea that the aunt and uncle didn't accompany them to the school you could clarify it a bit? But that's a minor detail. Everything else reads perfectly!
ReplyDeleteGreat hook. I'd drop the line about the gates and just get to the gargoyles: they're so much more dramatic! Many questions raised here, I would definitely want to read on. Find another word for face or faceless, to avoid the repetition? And you don't need the comma after uncle.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read more. I love the images, especially the gates and the gargoyles.
ReplyDeleteI love the overall feel of your opening. It's definitely intriguing and makes me want to read more, and also gives a nice feel for your MC. I do agree with the others, though, that it's a little confusing. Why drop them off at a place they're not supposed to enter? And if they were dropped at the airport, how did they end up at Evermore? But with a little clarification it would be very strong :)
ReplyDeleteI love the images this evokes, a very Gothic feeling. Although I agree it's kind of confusing to have the MC and the sister dropped at a school when it just said the chauffeur drove them to the airport.
ReplyDelete